Right around now, retail stores begin to highlight the upcoming season with festive décor, holiday music and sales to jumpstart consumer spending sprees. Right around now is also the time when many people feel a tight knot in their stomach, knowing this season’s expectations will be the most difficult to get through because a loved one has died. Thanksgiving, Hannukah, Christmas, New Year’s: when your heart is laying heavy, it’s most certainly hard to be happy. But, you can learn to cope.
Hope for the Bereaved is a not-for-profit organization dedicated to providing hope, support and services for those who are grieving – at any given time of the year. But at this time in particular, the group recognizes the need to offer extra support, which is why it’s holding two workshops,”Coping with the Holidays,” this month. Those involved in the organization know how to prepare you for the hard road ahead.
Founder Therese Schoeneck established HOPE in 1978 after her daughter Mary Schoeneck was killed in a car accident. She was determined to do something positive, she said, and her mission stands strong today.
Schoeneck said the first Christmas without Mary led her family to volunteer at Unity Kitchen in Syracuse. She said said only a few members went, while others chose to stay home.
“If you had somebody die around the holidays or if this is your first holiday or second holiday – it gets a lot, lot softer. But I remember the first year,” Schoeneck recalled thoughtfully. “I didn’t send cards, but on any of the gifts we gave, I signed [Mary’s] name. Other parents do that too. People will sign their [loved one’s] name on the card or they’ll put something special in the card about their child. You just don’t want them forgotten.”
Schoeneck advises sundry ways to get through the holidays, but specifically wants to remind the bereaved that there is no right or wrong way to handle them. You may wish to follow family traditions, choose to change them or just do things a little differently. And you can always change back, in the future, if you wish.
Suggestions, which can be found in a brochure that HOPE distributes, include planning ahead, shopping by catalog, phone or the Internet and cutting back on baking, decorating, cleaning and sending cards. Holiday dinner can be served buffet style and served at a different time or in a different room. Turn to your faith and concentrate on the meaning of the season. Consider attending holiday parties but also give yourself an out. If you decide to go, drive yourself and sit by the door if you need to leave in a moment’s notice.
When you have children, these suggestions will also help them deal with their loss.
“You really have to think about [the children],” Schoeneck said. “Even though it’s a difficult time, you have to think about them because they’re grieving, too, but they’re also kids. [Holidays] are such a family event. They need to know they’re still important. If you say ‘I’m not going to do anything’ – not when there’s kids. Most people step up to the plate when there’s kids involved.”
As a friend of someone who’s grieving, there are also steps you can take that make a significant difference during the holidays. Listen, offer your help by specifically listing what you will do (i.e. “Let me shop for you on Thursday afternoon”), send a special card, call on the phone, or bring a small gift such as a plate of cookies, an ornament or book for journaling. Stay in their life.
“Be sensitive,” Schoeneck said. “There’s not a lot of energy to make cookies, so buy them or make them a plate of cookies, offer to go shopping with or for them because you hit the store and you see something for your loved one and it’s all over. And the same with groceries – you hit that aisle and there’s their favorite cereal.”
HOPE for Bereaved offers a comprehensive book that can be purchased right at its headquarters on 4500 Onondaga Blvd. in Syracuse. Schoeneck has sold copies as far away as Australia. Topics include grief and all its emotional elements, coping techniques, and how to deal with the death of a child or spouse through illness, suicide or murder. The book concludes with messages of hope.
“Some people want to be stuck,” said Schoeneck, listing fear of letting go as one of the main reasons. “You have to want to be in a better place. You’re never the same but you can be a good new you. I think they’re afraid if they get to a better place they’re not honoring them. I don’t know. I’ve always said if I died and Mary lived, I’d want her to be happy.”
A letter from Laura
The following words are written by a Marcellus woman who lost her son in a car accident. She is willing to share her experience as one who has had to process every emotion since her son Jay’s death – from all the “firsts” to now, three years later. Each detail she offers only emphasizes what HOPE and its workshops are about – they are designed to help you cope with the holidays.
My name is Laura Wilson, mother of Richard “Jay” Wilson. Jay was killed in a car accident on May 5, 2007, on Otisco Valley Road. He was only 18 years old – three months and two days shy of his 19th birthday.
The “first” birthday, the “first” thanksgiving,” the “first” Christmas were all excruciatingly painful. You feel like you are in “survivor-mode” – you just want to get “through” the day. When you lose a loved one, the holidays and the “every days” are never the same. All the promise, joy, hope and peace are gone. They’re replaced by the new permanence that this loss can never be fixed and that every part of your life has been affected by his or her death.
What helped me survive the “firsts” was to keep Jay’s memory alive – light a special candle, say a prayer for strength to get through the day, shed the tears and hold onto the precious memories that still make you smile.
My family made it special by giving gifts that include Jay: a special locket, a peace symbol and a ‘Love you, Mom’ glass ornament. My daughter still loves Christmas so to ignore the holidays is not an option.
This will be my third Christmas without Jay to hold, kiss, hug or shop for, but I do have two years under my belt. I know I will still be lighting a candle, praying for strength, crying my tears and doing something special that will honor his memory. Time takes away some of the sharp edge of the pain, but the huge hole in my heart will take up to a hundred lifetimes to patch.
We made a few changes in how we celebrate Christmas. We use an artificial tree and we leave it up a lot longer. The old tradition was to take the tree down Dec. 26. I leave it up in hopes that the Christmas spirit will last a little longer.
The only advice I can give to people that may be experiencing their “first” is to be prepared. Be prepared to see the special ornaments, be prepared for the empty chair, the pain, the sorrow and the tears. Be prepared because not even a holiday as special as Christmas will make the day an easy day to get through. The “every days” are very difficult, the special days are much worse.
